My so-far marital advice

So I have almost been married 2 years.

wowza.

I feel, again, that makes me entitled to give marriage advice.

1. Never try to use the words," But it was on SALE!" as an excuse for why you bought something. They will respond with,"Honey, there are always sales, we don't need it."

2. When you have made a purchases, or purchases, never try to explain away your reasons for why you got it. They will not understand. So instead claim a disorder, a shopping disorder, say that you are very sorry and that it won't happen again, and perhaps tear up. They will then feel bad and most likely let you keep said item.

3. They will never clean the toilet. Even though they are the ones that can't keep the pee in the bowl, they feel that because they are the only ones that see under the seat, they are the ones who will care if its dirty, and since they dont care, they won't clean it.

4. If they have been working hard all summer to get the yard looking green and luscious, and you don't comment on it at least once a week, you will be in the dog house.

5. They will never understand why you collect frames. You bring home a new frame, he will immediately ask what is wrong with the 10 other frames you have down stairs. No matter what you say, he won't understand, so just explain that it was 1$ at the DI and it is a quarter of the price of the big mac he is eating.

6. Do not, under any circumstances try to explain what you are trying to do with a craft/project. They do not have the vision. They will ask questions like,"Why would you do that?" and," Won't that look funny?" As the project progresses he will see the beauty, but until then, tell him to go away.

7. When he is watching sports, and is complaining about the refs and their bad calls, do not try to be the voice of reason by saying things like,"Honey he is doing his best." or,"Honey but that was a foul." This will only bring evil into the house.

8. The TV, no matter the room, will now always take precedent as far as decor. Do not try to put a plant, lamp, christmas tree etc anywhere near the TV, for if you sit at a 90 degree angle from the TV you run the risk of blocking the bottom left corner of the TV, which is not acceptable.

9. If he sees a "dent" or "scratch" on his car, do not try and tell him it is not there, EVEN if it really is not there. He has it in his mind, let him say a few choose words, have attitude for 15 minutes and then let it roll off.

10. he will always want to get the generic brand. It is his wallet talking, even when it comes to pregnancy tests, he wants Equate instead of Clear Blue. Stand your ground here.

11.When women are depressed, they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. It's a whole different way of thinking. Explain that our way is much more practical.

12. When in a disagreement never say these phrases," You never listen to me", "thats stupid" or "I told you so." He will always counter with," well you never listen to me either", "its not stupid" and "no you didnt." It gets no where.

13. If you want something, feed him. When men are hungry, they get cranky and irritable. A hungry husband is less likely to agree to any requests or demands. If you need to discuss something serious, or if you want him to do something for you, check his appetite first.

14. When you need an unpleasant job done around the house don't ask your husband to do it. Instead, attempt the job yourself, do it badly and let him show you the "right" way to do it. He gets to be the hero, and you get to go relax.

15. Whenever you are deciding who has it worse, you or him, always play the," I have to give birth" card. Works every time.