Marriage and Parenting

Everyone gives you their advice when you are pregnant.

its like you have it written on your face that you want it.

They tell you to get sleep, when to give him solids, what to do when he cries, your body will be unrecognizable yada yada yada.

I take it all with a grain a salt and a grin.

But, my side of the family went camping a while ago, and my cousin told me something that changed the way I thought, and I have thought about it at least once a week since then.

she said,

"Having a baby changes the way you thought your relationship with your man was."

I don't know why that struck me, it just did. Its probably because throughout the pregnancy I haven't worried about the little things like changing diapers, bottle temps, baths etc. I have been concerned with the emotional side of raising a child, and creating a family.

I've heard since my early years, that having a baby does not fix marriage problems, it actually makes them worse. So Jason and I made absolute sure that he and I were on solid ground, and had been for a while, before we decided to start a family. Marriage is hard, it takes work, getting used to, and commitment. I imagine being a parent together is no different. I am grateful that Jason and I waited so long before taking this next step. We can say for sure, going into it, that we are totally in sync, in love, in understanding of each other, and are on the same page. I adore the two years we spent just us, I can not imagine getting pregnant right out of the gate, or when someones marriage is rocky, I can only imagine it would make it that much harder. I am grateful for the advice I received, it has made me more aware of what might change and how to keep things amazing, without this advice I wouldn't have even thought about it, and I think when you are aware of things and can learn before you need to, things are much better.
I know in Utah everyone is just so super excited to get married and have kids, but I will never teach my children that mindset. I, personally, think its ridiculous. People need to be ready, REALLY ready. Not just financially ready, but mentally, emotionally and spiritually ready. There is absolutely nothing wrong with waiting, there is everything right with it.

Well I thought I would give you another pregnancy picture since bedrest seemed to make me pop.

22 weeks:

Last week when I did some spring cleaning in the closets, I came across some books that I had totally forgotten I had, but really liked. So I have started reading them again, and I thought I'd share with you why I like them.

The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.

I grabbed this book because a blog friend of mine recommended it, and I have loved it. I dislike reading books that are stories, I like the self help books because I would rather get something productive out of reading rather than a story. This book is pretty awesome. I got this book not because we needed marriage help, but because I wanted to know every little thing I could be doing to make our marriage even better. This book talks about the different ways people solve problems, communicate, and it gives you ways to correct bad form. I recommend it for people who need marriage help, but also people who were like me and just wanted to make it that much better.

15 Secrets to Happy Home

OMG, this is by far my all time favorite improve your life book. If you only read one self help type book, please let it be this one. I picked this book up after just browsing around in Deseret Book for an hour and it caught my eye. I really hate the title of this book, because although these secrets do make your home happy, this book is way more about making YOU a happy you. Ever since reading this book I have learned and applied so many principles and ideas that have helped me deal with immature relatives, rude co-workers, negative friends etc. I admit I used to somewhat of an angry person in general, and ever since reading this book I have learned how to naturally be happy every single day. This book truly helps you gain a new sense of contentment and happiness. It helps you cope with situations you can't control, and to really make the best of every situation. I really can't say enough good things about this book. It was written by an LDS author, but its not an LDSie book for those of you who aren't members. Also I love it because its an easy read type book, its the bigger font which is just easier to read lets face it. I even keep this book in my scriptures and on Sundays during Sacrament Meeting when I am bored, lol, I read it. GET IT.

Change It Up

This book is along the same type of book as the previous, its just a bit more personal with the author. She tells a lot of her own examples, but the basis of the book is learning to deal with change, any kind of change. Because change in life is what upsets us, death, losing jobs, divorce, moving, etc. Change is going to happen, so you might as well learn to cope and make the most of it. I like, its not as applicable as the previous book, but it definitely has a lot of good points, thought provoking messages, and points out flaws you might not know you have.

Babywise

I haven't finished this book yet, I just like it so far. lol. I have already done a post on this book, so go here if you want to know my thoughts.

I have actually gotten more into reading now that I am expecting, because I want to get as much knowledge as possible. I have a second cousin, who married an awesome lady, and together they adopted the CUTEST baby girl, their blog is here, and she has just done such an amazing job with Hazel that I wanted to know her secrets. So I asked her what her favorite books were and now I have a new list of books to buy and read! They are:

Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child

Secrets of the Baby Whisperer (& for toddlers)

I need to go out and get them, but I want to at least finish Babywise first.

I don't intend on birthing my son, and then just winging it from there. I think that will be disastrous. I think you should learn everything you can, before the baby comes, and have a plan to execute when they arrive. I realize things change, things may not work and you have to tweak things, but its better than just bringing baby home from the hospital and being like"ok now what?" I just refuse to do that. I think thats when the first child becomes the practice child, and I won't do that. I say do it right the first time. Take the time, read, learn, ask around, observe, talk about it, and know how you want to parent from the beginning. I especially think you and your spouse should be on the same page before baby arrives, because once you meet baby, and you fall in love with their personality, your judgement might get clouded and you just wanna do whatever to make baby smile or laugh, which may not be whats best for their long term development. ya know?

My so-far marital advice

So I have almost been married 2 years.

wowza.

I feel, again, that makes me entitled to give marriage advice.

1. Never try to use the words," But it was on SALE!" as an excuse for why you bought something. They will respond with,"Honey, there are always sales, we don't need it."

2. When you have made a purchases, or purchases, never try to explain away your reasons for why you got it. They will not understand. So instead claim a disorder, a shopping disorder, say that you are very sorry and that it won't happen again, and perhaps tear up. They will then feel bad and most likely let you keep said item.

3. They will never clean the toilet. Even though they are the ones that can't keep the pee in the bowl, they feel that because they are the only ones that see under the seat, they are the ones who will care if its dirty, and since they dont care, they won't clean it.

4. If they have been working hard all summer to get the yard looking green and luscious, and you don't comment on it at least once a week, you will be in the dog house.

5. They will never understand why you collect frames. You bring home a new frame, he will immediately ask what is wrong with the 10 other frames you have down stairs. No matter what you say, he won't understand, so just explain that it was 1$ at the DI and it is a quarter of the price of the big mac he is eating.

6. Do not, under any circumstances try to explain what you are trying to do with a craft/project. They do not have the vision. They will ask questions like,"Why would you do that?" and," Won't that look funny?" As the project progresses he will see the beauty, but until then, tell him to go away.

7. When he is watching sports, and is complaining about the refs and their bad calls, do not try to be the voice of reason by saying things like,"Honey he is doing his best." or,"Honey but that was a foul." This will only bring evil into the house.

8. The TV, no matter the room, will now always take precedent as far as decor. Do not try to put a plant, lamp, christmas tree etc anywhere near the TV, for if you sit at a 90 degree angle from the TV you run the risk of blocking the bottom left corner of the TV, which is not acceptable.

9. If he sees a "dent" or "scratch" on his car, do not try and tell him it is not there, EVEN if it really is not there. He has it in his mind, let him say a few choose words, have attitude for 15 minutes and then let it roll off.

10. he will always want to get the generic brand. It is his wallet talking, even when it comes to pregnancy tests, he wants Equate instead of Clear Blue. Stand your ground here.

11.When women are depressed, they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. It's a whole different way of thinking. Explain that our way is much more practical.

12. When in a disagreement never say these phrases," You never listen to me", "thats stupid" or "I told you so." He will always counter with," well you never listen to me either", "its not stupid" and "no you didnt." It gets no where.

13. If you want something, feed him. When men are hungry, they get cranky and irritable. A hungry husband is less likely to agree to any requests or demands. If you need to discuss something serious, or if you want him to do something for you, check his appetite first.

14. When you need an unpleasant job done around the house don't ask your husband to do it. Instead, attempt the job yourself, do it badly and let him show you the "right" way to do it. He gets to be the hero, and you get to go relax.

15. Whenever you are deciding who has it worse, you or him, always play the," I have to give birth" card. Works every time.

I feel entitled.

I have been married for over a year.

with that, I think I have earned the right, to give marital advice.

:-)

ready for it?

Since being married I have learned that there is a tremendous difference between falling in love, and being in love.

being in love is a lifestyle, its a constant effort and and constant joy. Its work, its adaption, its hard, its glorious and it is worth it.

falling in love is simply the process to being in love.

I think if someone asked me, what is one thing you would tell a newlywed couple, it would be the rules to solving conflict.

because there ARE rules.

I know every couple "has their own way" of communicating and solving conflicts, but it really makes me so sad to see friends not realize the difference between solving conflicts, and fighting.

It breaks my heart.

I found these rules a long time ago, rules to solving conflict with a spouse. I read them, computed them to memory, and put them into action.

Whats great about it, is it only takes one spouse to learn these rules, for both of you play by them. Once you set the tone, and set the mood, your spouse will follow suit without even realizing it.

I know, I did it.

Jason still to this day, doesn't know I have rules for solving conflicts.

Take it private and keep it private.
When a situation arises where there is conflict, wait. Don't immediately discuss it. Agree to talk about after you both have collected your thoughts, and when you both are in a comfortable neutral place where you both feel safe, so not in your car, not at a friends house and not at the store.

Keep it relevant.
Don't bring up old grudges or sore points when they don't belong in a particular argument. Put boundaries around the subject matter so that a fight doesn't deteriorate into a free-for-all.

Keep it real.
Deal with the issue at hand, not with a symptom of the problem. Get real about what is bothering you, or you will come away from the exchange even more frustrated. Example: don't talk about how upset you are that he left his clothes on the floor, get to the real issue that you would like more help around the house.

Avoid character assassination.
Stay focused on the issue, rather than deteriorating to the point of attacking your partner personally. Don't let the fight degenerate into name-calling.

Remain task-oriented.
Know what you want going into the disagreement. If you don't have a goal in mind, you won't know when you've achieved it.

Allow for your partner to retreat with dignity.
How an argument ends is crucial. Recognize when an olive branch is being extended to you — perhaps in the form of an apology or a joke — and give your partner a face-saving way out of the disagreement.

Be proportional in your intensity.
Every single thing you disagree about is not an earth-shattering event or issue. You do not have to get mad every time you have a right to be.

There's a time limit.
Arguments should be temporary, so don't let them get out of hand. Don't allow the ugliness of an argument to stretch on indefinitely.

Respect.
Do not raise your voice, you shouldn't have to. Do not interrupt the other person when they are speaking, if no one interrupts, no one has to yell. Face each other, don't discuss disagreements from different rooms, or on the phone, sit down, face to face and look at each other. look at each other so you know how what you are saying is affecting the other, and how they are responding to it. Listen to the other person, don't just hear them. Acknowledge what they are saying, and that it is important to you, that their feelings are important to you.

I have followed these rules, and added some of my own, and I can promise that they work.

I promise that if you follow every single one, you and yours will be able to discuss things calmly and productively, and it does bring you so much closer together.

I implemented these into my life about, oh, 8ish months ago, and Jason and I have only had 1 argument that wasn't productive.

1.

I promise, they work.

my last piece of advice is that it is definitely 100% positively OK to go to bed "angry."

I had always heard that it wasn't.

but heres the thing, if you insist on staying up till you are totally happy, you could be up all night, AND when it gets past 9 pm, you are tired, irritable and 10 times more likely to say something you wouldn't normally, and know you shouldn't. In the end, it could be damaging to hash it out instead of just sleeping on it.

When Jason and I get to that point, we say hey, its time for bed, if we wake up in the morning and are still upset, we will continue talking about it. We ALWAYS say I love you and kiss good night and guess what? we have NEVER woken up in the morning, and have still felt angry. Never. In fact, 80% of the time, we can't even remember what we were discussing and we are completely happy.

If you can't remember why you were mad, chances are it wasn't anything important.

so sleep on it. really.

I hope everyone finds their way of communicating, but still respecting the very basics of human interaction concepts.

and I hope everyone works a little bit harder to make their marriage a little bit better.

cause your marriage is totally worth it.