I feel entitled.

I have been married for over a year.

with that, I think I have earned the right, to give marital advice.

:-)

ready for it?

Since being married I have learned that there is a tremendous difference between falling in love, and being in love.

being in love is a lifestyle, its a constant effort and and constant joy. Its work, its adaption, its hard, its glorious and it is worth it.

falling in love is simply the process to being in love.

I think if someone asked me, what is one thing you would tell a newlywed couple, it would be the rules to solving conflict.

because there ARE rules.

I know every couple "has their own way" of communicating and solving conflicts, but it really makes me so sad to see friends not realize the difference between solving conflicts, and fighting.

It breaks my heart.

I found these rules a long time ago, rules to solving conflict with a spouse. I read them, computed them to memory, and put them into action.

Whats great about it, is it only takes one spouse to learn these rules, for both of you play by them. Once you set the tone, and set the mood, your spouse will follow suit without even realizing it.

I know, I did it.

Jason still to this day, doesn't know I have rules for solving conflicts.

Take it private and keep it private.
When a situation arises where there is conflict, wait. Don't immediately discuss it. Agree to talk about after you both have collected your thoughts, and when you both are in a comfortable neutral place where you both feel safe, so not in your car, not at a friends house and not at the store.

Keep it relevant.
Don't bring up old grudges or sore points when they don't belong in a particular argument. Put boundaries around the subject matter so that a fight doesn't deteriorate into a free-for-all.

Keep it real.
Deal with the issue at hand, not with a symptom of the problem. Get real about what is bothering you, or you will come away from the exchange even more frustrated. Example: don't talk about how upset you are that he left his clothes on the floor, get to the real issue that you would like more help around the house.

Avoid character assassination.
Stay focused on the issue, rather than deteriorating to the point of attacking your partner personally. Don't let the fight degenerate into name-calling.

Remain task-oriented.
Know what you want going into the disagreement. If you don't have a goal in mind, you won't know when you've achieved it.

Allow for your partner to retreat with dignity.
How an argument ends is crucial. Recognize when an olive branch is being extended to you — perhaps in the form of an apology or a joke — and give your partner a face-saving way out of the disagreement.

Be proportional in your intensity.
Every single thing you disagree about is not an earth-shattering event or issue. You do not have to get mad every time you have a right to be.

There's a time limit.
Arguments should be temporary, so don't let them get out of hand. Don't allow the ugliness of an argument to stretch on indefinitely.

Respect.
Do not raise your voice, you shouldn't have to. Do not interrupt the other person when they are speaking, if no one interrupts, no one has to yell. Face each other, don't discuss disagreements from different rooms, or on the phone, sit down, face to face and look at each other. look at each other so you know how what you are saying is affecting the other, and how they are responding to it. Listen to the other person, don't just hear them. Acknowledge what they are saying, and that it is important to you, that their feelings are important to you.

I have followed these rules, and added some of my own, and I can promise that they work.

I promise that if you follow every single one, you and yours will be able to discuss things calmly and productively, and it does bring you so much closer together.

I implemented these into my life about, oh, 8ish months ago, and Jason and I have only had 1 argument that wasn't productive.

1.

I promise, they work.

my last piece of advice is that it is definitely 100% positively OK to go to bed "angry."

I had always heard that it wasn't.

but heres the thing, if you insist on staying up till you are totally happy, you could be up all night, AND when it gets past 9 pm, you are tired, irritable and 10 times more likely to say something you wouldn't normally, and know you shouldn't. In the end, it could be damaging to hash it out instead of just sleeping on it.

When Jason and I get to that point, we say hey, its time for bed, if we wake up in the morning and are still upset, we will continue talking about it. We ALWAYS say I love you and kiss good night and guess what? we have NEVER woken up in the morning, and have still felt angry. Never. In fact, 80% of the time, we can't even remember what we were discussing and we are completely happy.

If you can't remember why you were mad, chances are it wasn't anything important.

so sleep on it. really.

I hope everyone finds their way of communicating, but still respecting the very basics of human interaction concepts.

and I hope everyone works a little bit harder to make their marriage a little bit better.

cause your marriage is totally worth it.