I am just sitting in, here the quiet of our bedroom, waiting for my freshly painted toenails to dry, and am trying to hold back emotions that I have about having another baby.
Its so hard to put into words out it feels.
On sunday I went into early labor while at my mother in laws house, so we went over to the hospital to see what was going on, and let me tell you, leaving Henry there was the HARDEST part of this whole thing. He was totally fine and happy, playing outside with balls and whatnot, but for me, sitting in the car pulling away from him knowing that in that very moment, I was choosing my other child over him, killed me. It hurt so bad, all I could do was cry. I wasnt progressing fast enough so they sent me home. To be honest I was more upset that I got sent home because it meant I would have to leave Henry like that again, and that is giving me so much anxiety.
I rocked henry to sleep tonight, possibly for the last time as a mom of just 1, and I took every chance to soak it up and connect with his sweet spirit.
Its hard for me to realize that I am changing Henrys life completely, and that theres no way for me to make it not hard for him. I am so aware of him and his needs for love and attention and I hope I can do enough for him.
I love Charlie so much already, and am aware of him also, and his needs for love and attention.
Its already so hard for me.
There are so many emotions that I didnt expect to feel. Its down to the wire, its too late for learning and changing things, its less than 48 hours away. Its so stressful.
The funny thing.
There is such a feeling a peace in our house.
Such a calm feeling.
Its quite nice, I hope it stays.
Ok. my toes are dry. going to bed. :)
2 comments:
Just from what I know - you are an amazing mother to both Henry and Charlie. It won't always be easy, but I don't think it'll always be hard either. Kids are great at adapting to new situations/change. I am excited for you and Jason, and the family y'all are growing. What a wonderful blessing for all of us around y'all!!
I read your blog as a follower of Debby Erickson's blog and I wanted to comment on your post tonight. I remember almost 30 years ago the night before my second son was born. I was having a scheduled c-section in the morning and I knew it would be my last night alone with my first born son. I felt like I was betraying him. I felt like I was losing something instead of gaining something. He was being naughty and not cooperating with taking his bath - he was crying and I was crying. I remember sitting on the bathroom floor holding him crying. I was scared that I wouldn't be able to give him everything he needed.
Well, the next morning I got up, got ready, had a baby and never gave it another thought. I had plenty of love and plenty of "me" to give to both of my boys. After the new baby was here everything seemed fine and all those worries didn't even exist.
So what your feeling is kind of normal, but you aren't taking away from Henry you are giving him someone to have memories with, to love, to share with, to bond with - it'll be great.
So enjoy this time - it's a miracle.
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