36th week of pregnancy

I have no "prego pics" for you for week 35, maybe tomorrow. But I do have a few sneak peaks of my maternity session pictures.

They were done by Ellie Culter Photography and I think she did amaaaazing. This is the first time I have gotten pictures back and said YES! Thats what I wanted!! Even if I am disgusted with my appearance, she nailed the photography and editing on the head. She chose the perfect secret little location that has yet to become popular so I feel super special to be one of the first to do pictures there. So really, I highly recommend her. She is great to work with, super friendly and nice, and the photography is fabulous. Her turn around time was fantastic, too. :)

So here are the sneak peaks, she is putting the CD in the mail tomorrow so hopefully I will have all the rest this week for ya.

Well my 35th week has come and gone, meaning 2-5 means left. Thats kind of a wide range if ya ask me, but better than being 10 weeks pregnant!

The pregnancy has gotten more painful the bigger he gets. We didn't go to church today cause I could hardly get out of bed without wincing in pain let alone sitting on a hard chair for 3 hours. It really depends on what position he is in, how full my bladder is, how hard he is pressing down, how close to my back he is, etc. Its hour by hour. some hours are fantastic, and some I spend crying. oh the joys of pregnancy right?

Everytime I do one of these posts I feel like I am forgetting something, and then 2 days later I have a list of like 5 things I forgot. :) My Dr. appointments are every week starting Monday, that makes me feel like we are really in the home stretch.

Anyway, until next time folks!

3 males, a suspicious white truck, and 911.

Let me set the mood for this story for you.

I am pregnant, hormonal, paranoid, and had been watching Law and Order: SVU all day.

bad combo, buts thats the setting.

So its 4 pm, Oprah is about to start, and I am going downstairs to get some bills I need to take care of, when the doorbell rings. Now, when the doorbell rings and I am alone, I do not go straight to the door. I go to the nursery, look out the window, and see if I can see who it is. So I look outside and I see a big white pick up truck. I am immediately suspicious, because salesmen dont drive house to house, and I don't know anyone with that truck. So I tip toe downstairs to look out the peephole, and I see three white males, wearing baseball caps, with their heads down so I can't see their face.

I am immediately, completely freaked out.

I run upstairs to the nursery again to see what their next action is. They get in the truck, and remain there for about 3 mins. Then they turn it on, and back it out, so I think oh good, they are leaving. BUT, they back out of the driveway, and park in front of my mailbox!!!

So at this point this is the story I have concluded in my head about whats going on,"They are here to break in, rob us, and they have more people coming. They also, dont think I am home, cause I didnt answer, so they dont think it will be a problem. They are going to break in, see that I am in fact home, and in the panic of the confrontation, they will kill me."

Great.

At this point, I decide 911 needs to get involved.

But, I do not want to be trapped in the house should they break in before help arrives. So I make my way to the garage, hunker down in the car, prepared to bust the garage door down the second I hear them bust down the front door.

I am serious.

So when I get to the car I make the call to 911. I can hear the men outside getting in and out of the car and talking, although I cant make out what they are saying. So I know I have to be quiet on the phone.

So I whisper to 911," Heeeelp me. There are strange men outside my house trying to get in."

It was very dramatic.

So she asks me all the basic questions, do you know who they are, what color is the car, description etc.

She then tells me if they go back to the door to call her back, we then hang up the phone.

As soon as I hung up the phone I thought,"WTF?! you arent supposed to let me go! you are supposed to stay on the phone with me until I am ok!! So I call her back and tell her I need her to stay on the phone with me.

I keep asking her, how much longer, where are the cops. etc.

I finally hear the cop arrive, and think to myself oh good, I am not going to die, and if I am going to die its going to be in the crossfires of a police shoot out so at least it will be cool.

I hear the men get in the truck, and I hear the truck leave. I open the garage door, and the officer comes to me and says:

"Um, they are from your alarm system company....they are in the area doing sales and wanted to use you as a referral to your neighbors..."

OMG

Out of ANYONE that it could have been, the people that I think are trying to kill me are from the company protecting me?! UGH!!! couldn't it have been a magazine sales company?

so I take a few deep breaths, try to compose myself. The cop explains he has told them to leave me alone, he tells me I am was justified in calling because they did admit they knocked on my door several times and how creepy was the truck pulling in and out.

So he tells me he told them to leave, go about their business blah blah blah.

So I go inside, try to compose myself, and I call Jason. I explain the whole story to Jason, what happened, who they are etc. Do you know what he says when I tell him they are from the alarm company?

"oh, that sounds bogus..."

"WHAT?! I am calling you to tell you I am now ok with the situation, I believe who they are, and you are telling me you think their story is bogus?!?!?!?OMG!"

So now I am freaked out, again.

So I hurry and hang up with Jason, and run outside to the cop who is still in his car, and I ask him, are you sure they are from the company? were they wearing uniforms etc? He says yes blah blah blah.

I go back inside, sit on my couch and try to ground myself again from this Law and Order situation I have half concocted in my head, but, I still do not feel closure to this situation.

I know, right?

So I decide, the only way I am going to get closure and feel at peace with this situation, is if I find the men, and A) apologize and B) decide with my own eyes they are who they say they are.

So, I get a hoodie on and a hat, cause I look a mess, and get in my car to seek them out. I am at this point driving 5 miles an hour around my neighborhood, with a hoodie and a hat, looking like a hoodlum.

I find one of them.

I get out of my car, walk over to him and explain I am the crazy lady that called the cops on them.

I could not have felt more stupid, he was this little 18 year old cute little mormon boy with perfect big white teeth and just says" oh I am so sorry, we didn't mean to scare you."

I explain to him that I am paranoid, hormonal, and pregnant. Its not their fault, entirely. ( I mean they did knock on my door 3 times.)

**SIGH**

I now feel closure, and can laugh hysterically about it, but a good solid 15-20 minutes I thought I was going to lose my life.

I have not seen Oprah, the bills did not get taken care of, and I will not be watching the new episode of Law and Order: SVU tonight.

35th week of pregnancy

I am in my 35th week of pregnancy. oh my goodness it feels like I have been pregnant FOREVER.

Baby is this big:

uncomfortableness- let me try and explain this to you in the best way possible, cause I never understood it before being pregnant. and example of being uncomfortable is bending forward. When you are sitting up, and you go to bend forward, not only is there a basketball in your way, but the babys extremities move in uncomfortable ways. For me, his legs go into my ribs.

The other day in the middle of a store, my pelvic floor muscles started hurting, like soreness as if I had worked them out hard. It progressively got worse, I had a few errands to still run, and by my last errand I could barely walk. I was limping, huddled over, holding my back. I was having Braxton Hicks contractions like crazy, and it was getting to the point of hurting. I went home, we had dinner, and I stayed in bed for the rest of the night. It felt so much better as long as I wasn't moving so I didn't think it was labor, and the next day after sleeping on a heating pad it felt twice as better. But boy, was it painful. Its been off and on like that ever since.

Movement- Like I explained before, movement now actually feels like a human is in me, instead of a fish. I can actually feel his feet now! At least I am pretty sure it is his feet, and at the top of my stomach, when he stretches I can feel his bum. :)

Nesting- I thought the nesting bug had left me sometime around 22 weeks, but the other day it hit me again, like a ton of bricks. I was just laying in bed, like I do everyday, moving my legs in the slightest while in bed makes my pelvic floor muscles scream in pain, but it was just bothering me that my kitchen wasn't clean. So I thought I would get up and at least do the dishes. Well, if you don't already know this about me, let me tell you, if I am cleaning, I clean, all the way, there is no just do the dishes, just wipe off the counter. So I ended up doing more than I should, but I have a sparkly lemon fresh kitchen! :D

On the painting front- I went to lowes with 2 gallons of our original yellow paint that we still had left, we clearly over bought the first time. I asked them to lighten it to a different shade, and he explained all these different reasons why it may not lighten, he tried, and lightened it by a shade and that was all they could do. So, it is going to be tricky, but I have to get a big bucket, dump both gallons in there, and mix actual white paint into it, instead of white tint. Normally I would never ever attempt this, because if you run out of the paint, it is absolutely impossible to match for more, BUT, the 2 biggest walls are already yellow, so they won't need as many coats, and the 2 blue walls are small. So 2.5 gallons of paint I think will end up being way more than enough. to do that room originally it took 1.5 gallons total.

Can I just say I love blogging? I think there are 2 types of blogging for most people, 1. update blogging- where your blog is just to update people on family, birthdays, etc. 2. social blogging, where you update people on your family, sure, but you use it as a sounding board for your thoughts, ideas, problems, and use it as a social tool with friends you might not otherwise talk to. I obviously consider myself in the second category, and for those of you in the first, thats totally fine, I love those too. I just love that when I have thoughts or questions, I can blog and get honest reliable feedback from people whose opinions I value.

And now that my blog is private, I like knowing I could vent about certain people knowing they can't read it. buwahahaha!

23 days left! or so...

So there are 23 days left until Henry is full term.

I have every intention of evicting him promptly as this occurs.

Until then, I have had an issue with not working while being pregnant. I love that my husband can support us, and that it allows me to stay home, but I feel so unproductive. Especially this last trimester, its been somewhat painful, and tiring, and I just cant do as much as I want. It makes me feel lazy, or useless, like I should be working instead, but that wouldn't really work either anyway. So, in order to feel productive everyday, and not do too much, I have come up with a 23 day plan with a project to do each day.

who doesn't love a good list, I mean really?

1- Laundry (we have so many clothes all over the place lol)

2-purge clothes I don't wear

3- clean ALL baseboards

4. Clean kitty litter room

5. organize fabric

6. finish blanket and crib set

7. make carseat cover

8. organize TV stand downstairs

9. organize cords

10. reorganize kitchen

11. clean all ceiling fans

12. frame project

13. finish book 1

14. read book 2

15. clean backyard

16. trim front bushes

17. organize laundry room

18. clean car

19. organize office

20. plan a 3 week dinner menu for after baby

21. stock nursery with diapers and wipes

22. organize bathrooms and under kitchen sink

23. go to the Temple ( dont know what I will do since I cant sit or stand for long,but eh, its the thought)

Not only will this help me be and feel more productive every day, but it will keep me busy until baby is full term. I know once he is full term I will be more impatient for him to come, but I think I will be more okay with knowing that he actually might come, as opposed to now where I only dream.

23 days really isnt a lot. and the closer it gets, the more scared I get of labor. I know once it happens I will be more excited than scared, but for now its just scary.

My name is Monica Gellar.

I don't know where this came from, this gene of mine, because my family members exhibit no signs of this trait.

I am a clean FA-REAK.

Now don't get me wrong, my house is not always clean, I don't mean a clean freak that always has to have things clean, cause thats certainly not what I mean. What I mean, when I clean, its like me against the germs. I mean business. I have a bucket of chemicals, spray, wipes etc that must be used.

I worry this is not normal, and that something may be wrong with my wiring, so tell me if this all seems normal to you.

1. sponges- Sponges gross me out to no end. Its a breeding ground for bacteria that you make worse every single time you use it. I do have sponges, and I use them to wipe off counters of crumbs, but that is the extent of its use. Promptly after use it gets scolding hot water ran through it for a few minutes.

2. wiping off counters- my BIGGEST cleaning pet peeve is when people wipe off the counters, usually with a sponge, and then consider their counters clean. I can not watch. I saw it happen once, and I immediately got out the one chemical they had and cleaned it(they were about to make a meal of which I was supposed to eat). The purpose, to me anyway, of wiping off the counter is to get all the loose crumbs and pieces that would fly off the counter when you do clean it. Even if the sponge is soaking in soap water, you are still just spreading things around, not cleaning. so I wipe off loose stuff, wipe down with a rag, then sanitize with 409.

3. move stuff- just because something doesnt move, doesnt mean stuff doesnt get under or around it. We have a spice rice, knife block, and utensil holder on our counter and when I wipe down, I move them. and I move them when I santize. It grossed me out to not move it.

4. appliances- The appliances must be cleaned. I find the oven door gets the most dirty, but I still clean the fridge doors, and the dishwasher door. My stove is a cooktop(devil) so I clean that constantly, too.

5. Clutter- Clutter is not clean. There should be a place for everything and everything in its place. Currently we have a small corner counter in our kitchen that is housing clutter that I have to decide where its place is, but rest assured, it will be gone soon.

6. The garbage- K, so this delves a little into my pet peeves about my sweet hubby, but its a cleaning pet peeve none the less. I HATE when the garbage is not clean. We have one of those garbages cans with a swivel lid, and my husbands family was raised to scrap food off onto it, then let it fall in the garbage. This drives me batty and every time I see their garbage I cringe. Its a little thing, so I don't make a big deal of it, I just clean the lid off every week.

7. Dust- Growing up as a child you are given certain chores that are staples, doing the dishes, sweeping, etc. I was never taught to dust, though. It wasn't until I had my own home that I realized dusting is a must, and a weekly must. I don't know why people don't dust, it takes 2 mins to walk around with a duster, then just vacuum. Pathetically, I then dust my vacuum.

8. Baseboards- I can't stand when the baseboards are not clean. They get dirty, dusty etc, and they must be cleaned, monthly.

9. Vacuuming- I can not just pick up a room, put everything away and pretty, and then just not vacuum. To me, if a room is not vacuumed(or swept for that matter) its not clean. Its almost there! Just vacuum!! I vacuum my couches about once a month, also.

10. Bathrooms- Cleaning the bathroom is also not something I was taught, my mom must have done it always. I can't stand when people clean the inside of the toilet with a toilet brush, and then are done. I must clean the entire toilet, inside and out. Its DISGUSTING how gross it gets with boys. So gross. maybe I never had to worry about it growing up cause we had all girls, but boys drip all over the place, and oh my gosh it just grosses me out. The base of it gets super dirty also.

Sooo, whats the verdict? Am I normal?

Sewing project

So a few weeks ago I started a sewing project, where I was making a shirt that I wanted to wear for my maternity pictures on Saturday. So Friday night came and I still hadn't finished it. lol

not because it was hard, it was quite easy actually, I just procrastinated it. So Friday night while Jason was at a Jazz game I finished my shirt. Its a mummy wrap type shirt, I wanted that kind to show off my bump, but not my flaws, it worked perfect.

So here it is:

This was like midnight, no bra, no accessories lol. For the photos I wore a blue undershirt with a long necklace, earrings and a bracelet so don't judge lol.

But anyway, it really was super easy, the only reason I had to unpick was because of my dumb fault lol.

Warning though, for anyone who wants to make one, it takes two people to put it on lol. the sides are like 10 feet long, and it has to wrap just perfect so there aren't open spaces or anything.

So yeah, the pictures are going to take a couple weeks to get back, but I should have a sneak peak later this week. :)

34th week and redecorating.

There is non-pregnancy stuff at the bottom. ;)

we are almost there people!!!

It seems like the last 10 weeks of pregnancy are as different as the first 10 were.

I would blog about every week the first 10 cause things were changing so fast and so much, and the last 10 has proved to be no different.

Back pain- I have had back pain every since the accident, but I am not feeling the typical back of the last trimester. It feel likes my lower spine is being pulled toward my front with 100 lbs and it hurts. By the end of the day I feel like a 90 year old lady.

Swollen- I laugh at this one because my dr will ask me if I am getting swollen anywhere, and I chuckle as I tell him I don't know the difference between fat and swollen. So yes, I am swollen everywhere, haha. But I have noticed my feet and hands are "Swollen" so I can say yes. I can't wear my wedding ring anymore, and the other day I had a frustrating situation where someone thought I was pregnant and not married and giving my baby up etc. So Jason came home one day, told me to get in the car, we drove to a Jeweler, and he told me we were going to pick out a new "wedding" ring that I was going to be able to wear through out my pregnancy. :) He really is perfect. We got this set:

Cervix discomfort- Baby has dropped pretty low, and I can feel the pressure of him on my cervix, it feels like he is going to fall out. If only it were that easy right? The dr said its totally fine for him to drop now, so its nothing to worry about, it just means he is getting ready for labor, I am totally ok with that.

Tiredness- The tiredness is definitely back. Jason laughs that I take two naps a day, but on days that I don't, like Sunday, I am ready to go to bed by 7:30. Its really tiring making a baby! I sleep 14-15 hours a day, including naps.

Sleeping troubles- I have talked about the sleeping troubles before, but this time its different. The thing keeping me up, THE BABY!! You know how in the middle of the night sometimes you wake up barely, for just a second, and then fall right back to sleep? Well when I do that, I become aware of him moving and its hard to fall back to sleep lol.

I have a lot of issues/symptoms with pregnancy, but I am SO lucky that I don't have to work during or after my pregnancy, so I can relax and rest at home with these issues, rather than working. I am truly blessed to have a husband that has a career that allows me to do that.

In other news:

Jason's work is going to be sending him to London soon, we don't know the exact date, or for how long, probably at least a week, maybe two, and most likely in May. I realize I will have the baby, but my mom is going to play a key part in watching him while I....repaint the house! haha. I was going to keep it a secret and just surprise Jason when he got home, but I can't keep secrets, especially with paint samples all over the house. I know, I just painted when we moved in, but things like this take trial and error. I loooove the colors I painted the walls, but I just don't think they work well together, and Jason doesn't like them, and when we try to sell the house it for sure will have to be repainted. So I decided to just do it now. I want a color that will open and brighten up the space, and be very relaxing. so I have chosen:

A really really light pale blue. This picture makes the wall color I think seem more blue, because of all the blue accents, but either way, the paint sample I have chosen is a really light pale breezy blue. Blues and Grays are the new neutral, so it should work out great. Jason will like it because its not too over the top, and its a very relaxing color. The accents will still be red and yellow, and I am going for this look:

Well probably not because the only similar color is the yellow and wall color, lol, but I looove this picture.

So this is the picture that inspired my color pallet in the first place:

I just love the way these colors look together. So, I am going to get pretty close to these colors, but a little more subtle. We still have 2 gallons of the yellow from when we first painted, and I am going to take those to lowes and have them lighten it A LOT to get close to this paint color, and paint the down stairs living room all this light light yellow, add some red drapes, some light blue accents and be done.

Then its the upstairs floor that is getting painted all light blue, bringing back the white drapes, added a few light yellow and red accents and be done. :)

This execution will go much better than the first I suspect, and I will have at least a week to do it so I won't feel rushed or anything, and some of my friends are going to help. :)

I suspect the whole project will cost around 100-150$.

The paint, I am hoping to only need 2 gallons of the blue, 60$.

Paint supplies, 15$.

frames and accents from DI and Savers, 20$.

Fabric and supplies for some new pillows, 30$.

Misc unforseen expenses, 25$.

I am hoping to come in under budget on the last three items, but plan for the worst, hope for the best. All in all it should be a simple redo, with drastic results. I just want my house to have a lighter more relaxing feel. You feel me? thoughts? comments? concerns? opinions? advice? suggestions?

What does that even mean?

The baby has dropped.

I kind of felt it the other day, and then when I stood up, I literally felt like he was going to fall out, and I couldn't take fast steps or it felt worse. My dr's appointment was today and he confirmed that the baby is much lower. He hasn't "engaged" yet for labor, but he is for sure getting ready. He told me he would like me to be pregnant for at least 6 more weeks, putting me at 38 weeks. So, he seemed like he thought baby would come early, but who can really tell.

Maternity pictures are this saturday and I am SOOOOO excited. Jason of course is not, but his opinion does not count when it comes to pictures.

I did all of Henry's laundry yesterday and oh my gosh, I forgot how awesome his wardrobe is. I don't wanna be one of those moms that post pictures of their kids just to show off their clothes, but oh my gosh it will be hard cause seriously, its pimp.

Feeling movement at this point is so weird. up until like 26 weeks movement just feels like flutters, or weird things, but now it literally feels like there is a person in there. I feel like I can tell what the movement is, if he is stretching, kicking, punching, etc. They are more defined movements.

So yeah, thats the only update I have for you. saying I have 6-7 weeks left doesn't seem soon, it still seems sooo far away. I imagine when I have less than a month, it will become more real and feel sooner, but for now, sigh, so far away.

P.S. We did our taxes this week and are getting almost double what we both were expecting, so we are totally getting a new dishwasher. :D weird the things you get excited about as an adult huh?

Enter the uncomfortable phase

So this last weekend I was on bedrest again, after some preterm labor contractions. I went to the hospital, they stopped them, I went home, on bedrest, Superbowl at home, end of story. :)

I am in my 33rd week of pregnancy, and am finally entering the 24/7 uncomfortable stage. My back is always aching(effing car accident), and the worst is the sleeping. I never knew sleeping could be so painful. I have to sleep on my side, sleeping on my back is too uncomfortable, but after an hour on one side, that hip, thigh, is KILLING me. It gets so sore and I have to flip over, no easy task itself, and then after an hour on that side its the same thing. And the soreness does not subside after an hours rest, so when I have to flip back over, it is still kind of painful.

This is my as of yesterday:

I feel like pictures just aren't showing my hugeness enough. sorry.

Well we are almost there. 7 weeks. It still seems like so much time. People say time just flies by, I don't agree really. I mean when I think about the day we found out we were pregnant, it seems like FOREVER ago, and the first dr's appointment, forever ago, the camping trip right after, forever ago. But I will say the time since finding out its a boy, seems like a blur. so from 16 to 33 weeks, it has flown by, but the whole pregnancy itself, has not. But its ok, I learned a lot, and grew a lot as a woman during that time, which I knew I needed to.

**mooshy moment**

I just have to brag about my husband, I just love him so much. He doesn't know what its like to be pregnant, but he really does try to understand. He tries to imagine having all this weight strapped to his neck, he has a bad neck, and how painful it would be. He always gets me my water at the end of the night to take meds with, he makes dinner when I just can't, he knows exactly how to cheer me up, and when I am needy and just want to spend the night alone with him instead of having friends over, he understands and stays in bed with me.

I had a friend over the other week who is going to lose a lot of weight, cause she will do awesome, I know. :) She was asking me questions and it came up that weight loss changes you, and it changes the way people see you as a person. I told her," weight loss changes the way people look at you, women look at you differently, men look at you more, and people look to you for advice, BUT it does not change the way your husband will look at you." Sounds weird at first right? When I lost a lot of weight I thought Jason would drool or whatever, but he didn't, he was just as attracted to me as he was before. At first I was confused, like hello! I am hotter now! But I realized its because he has always been insanely attracted to me, and there wasn't much room to be MORE attracted to me, because he already was as attracted to me as a person could be. I knew then how much what he says is true, that he doesn't care what I look like, hot or fat, he loves me the same. :) That is how sweet and perfect my husband is. :) and it has made this pregnancy so much easier.

P.S.

We have already decided our next boy will be named Charlie JAMES. So no one steal it!!! :P

Count your many blessings see what god has done.

Count your blessings is one of my favorite church songs. I read over it last week in sacrament meeting and I told myself to count my blessings sometime soon, in detail. So here I go.

I have THE BEST immediate family. They are hilarious, caring, outgoing and just plain perfect for me.

I have THE BEST in-law family. My MIL isn't crazy, my FIL is hilarious, and I inherited a couple hilarious brothers, which I have always wanted.

I am married to someone who adores me, daily. He constantly lifts me up, does wonderful things for me, and over 2 years ago that sweet man took me to the temple and promised me wonderful things before our sealing.

Everything material I owe to him, my beautiful home, my reliable car, the toys I have, the cats I enjoy, and everything in between.

My cats, lol, I just love them. They are sweet little family members that teach me a lot of loving and patience.

knowledge, of all kinds, my fitness knowledge, gospel knowledge, wordly knowledge and social knowledge. I am blessed to be able to learn things daily whenever I want.

my body, its amazing in all the things it can do, and I have been blessed with health.

my motivation, drive and determination to do whatever I want. Even when I have hard times and days, I never let it keep me down for long, and eventually I achieve whatever I want, from fitness, to home decorating, etc.

My will power, it has been a huge blessing in my life as I have needed to overcome different obstacles, usually on my own. Most of the time I have enough will power to not let my surroundings affect me, or negative people bring me to their level.

I have an amazing group of friends, that it has taken me a long time to learn how to develop those relationships into long lasting ones. Growing up in the army I moved every year, so I never needed to nurture friendships cause I knew it wouldn't last. So when I permanently moved here it was weird to need to do that.

The phrase I like most about this song is "see what God has done", because it wasn't at the front of my mind when thinking about my life, that God made it this way. Of course, Jason, my family and I played a part, but I owe everything and all my blessings to my Heavenly Father.

However your life is, whether good or bad, Heavenly Father made it that way, for a reason. There is something he wants you to learn, and he chose that path specifically for you, so try to find the reason. I think my reason is to teach my gratitude and charity. I have so much to be thankful for, that I need to be constantly thankful, and constantly trying to find a way to help others with it.

***Positive Pregnancy Post!!!!***

Shocking, I know, but I have a positive thought about pregnancy today that I need to write about while I can articulate it.

**warning, this post gets deep, with religious aspects**

I love my prego belly. MY BELLY. I am not talking about my huge thighs, chunky arms and fat face. I love my belly, though. Here is why.

Growing up you always think about having kids one day, and what they will be like, look like, etc. And as an LDS you know that they are there, somewhere, they already exist and you are ever so curious about them. They are out there. One day they will be with you, but for now they float around somewhere waiting for you. As I watched my belly today, moving, jiggling, pulsing, I realized how much I love that he is here, in me. Before pregnancy your children seem so distant, so far away, and now, he is RIGHT HERE. I can feel him, I can tease him, I know when he sleeps, I know when he moves, he is right here. Sure I wonder what he will look like, but for now, I take comfort in being close to him, having him, knowing exactly where he is, and that he is safe. I hope I have been able to convey to you the intensity of this thought, because it hit me today like a ton of bricks. Early in the pregnancy its not so apparent, little flutters aren't human like, you can't feel little feet, theres not much personality, so before 20 weeks it still didn't seem like my child was there, it was just some embryo dividing and multiplying into what would one day be my child. But now, I just can't say it enough, he is here, I can poke him!!! And I do...

The last couple months I have pondered how it works with their spirits. I have always been under the impression and thoughts that a babys spirit does not enter them until they are born. I had a miscarriage a month before this pregnancy, and to be honest it didn't have too much of an impact on me for this reason. Maybe its because by the time I found out I miscarried, I was already pregnant again, but I think its also because I really did used to think that its just body tissue, cells, etc. It wasn't a person yet, no spirit, nothing to cry over. But now, I question that way of thinking. Because if I lost Henry right now, I would be devastated. I would miss him. I have already thought about his life with us, and I would so deeply mourn and his spirit. We wouldn't use that name again. A lot of things are mysteries, and one day will be answered, but for now I remain curious. The church teaches(at least I think they do) that babies who are lost during pregnancy, the mom will raise them one day in the after life. I just can't wrap my head around that, as some moms have multiple miscarriages, are they really going to have that many kids one day? Does that mean I have a child up there waiting for me? Its all so complex and something I don't think anyone can answer with 100% certainty, but something I will always wonder.

I can say with all these thoughts, that I am beginning to realize the importance of this pregnancy, and am starting to look at it in a less selfish way. Throughout this whole pregnancy, when people ask me if I am excited for him to come, I always answer by saying I am excited, but not ready, I am just not ready for him to come, I need more time etc. I felt since the beginning, that I wasn't emotionally, spiritually ready for him to come, I knew it was time to be pregnant, but you know, you've been following, I've been worried about parenting and how I am going to do it, I was so overwhelmed because I didn't feel ready to be a mom, and I didn't know if I ever would. I can say now, in my 32nd week, I feel ready. Who knows how good I will be, I will make mistakes, but I feel like now I understand the gravity of the situation, and I feel prepared with resources to succeed for my child. Yes I am still frustrated about my body and I will still not like it, but one day, when I lose the weight, get to a body I love again, I will look at the imperfections that have come from pregnancy as battle wounds in bringing my child into a home of love.

geeze this is heavy stuff!!!

P.S.

The thing I hate about going private is my blog doesn't update on your scrolls or blogger, but, I have figured out a way around it, sort of. before I publish a post I will make it public, publish the post, then make it private again(no need for an invite everytime), and that post will show up in your blogger news feed. So if you want to know when I post, you need to ''officially" follow me, not just on a scroll. Its easy, just click FOLLOW next to the search box in the top left hand corner.