Full battery on my laptop, mind overwhelmed with thoughts. Here we go. I feel as though something is missing. There is something that I am overlooking, forgetting or not achieving. the endless possibilities of what it could be are as follows.
1 and the most obvious it could be that I want to start a family. My husband would argue that I just want to play dress up with cute clothes and paint a nursery but it is so much more than that. Its me and its him and its something that we create to teach and to inspire. Something that is our responsibility to rear in the path of the savior and to help prepare the world for his arrival. It is a life that will rely on me and depend on me for basic human needs, it will be a child that I will give unconditional love and support to. Its not a drive to have a cute baby, its an instinctive chemical drive that consumes every goal and ambition I have as a woman, and as a wife. I feeel as though everything I have been through in my life, every single little and big situation that has occurred in my life has been to prepare me for most important thing I will ever do, to raise a child. My child.
2 is the other obvious, I want a house. I want a place to call mine, and to do with what I please. I want to paint accent walls in vibrant colors and plaster our pictures all over the place to establish it as our house. I want to pull in the driveway and know that its my driveway and no one elses. I want to know my neighbors and feel comfortable with those that surround me. I want to be able to invite overnight guests because we have 3 bedrooms and plenty of space for people to enjoy an overnight stay. We just havent found it yet and its getting frustrating.
3 I dont feel like I am progressing any more in my weight loss and its getting discouraging. I am happy with myself and I know I look good, but I want to look great! I want to be able to go into any store and pick anything off the rack and know that it will fit. I don't want my weight loss goals to consume my life. I dont want to be at the gym every night like I used to when I could be at home with my husband. I have lost 26 lbs and am darn proud of that, but I still want to lose more and I dont want to spend the time doing it. I have matained my current weight without flucuating for a good month now so I know I can mantain it when I get down to my goal weight the problem is just getting there.
4 I want a kitty. thats random.
5 I dont want to work. I have a great full time job where I have been promoted and been made a valuble resource to the owner and managing attorney. I habe stability in it and easiness which I know in this economy is impossible to find. I am lucky to have this job and to be as important as I am, but I dont want to work! I want to be a full time wife. Our apartment is never clean, by the time we both get home we dont want to clean, we cook dinner, make a mess, eat and then dont clean. rinse, repeat 5 times a week makes for a pretty messy kitchen. I want to be my husbands wife, I want to keep our place clean so my husband feels relaxed when he comes home and have dinner ready for him. Right now I feel more like his partner this his wife. I love my job and I love contributing to our bank account so dont get me wrong. I could go to school and get all the education I wanted but it still would never surpass the call to be a wife.
6 I want to see my family more. as it is now we see them once every other week and thats not good enough for me. they are a 45 min drive away and thats not what I want. we are 10 mins from Jasons parents and it needs to be more equal. North salt lake where we are looking to buy a house is 20 mins from each of them. hoorah for that.
I am going to go to sleep now. I only used half the battery.
I need your words of wisdom please :-(
7 comments:
I currently feel or have felt the same way on each of those. 1- baby, you know where I am with that. And I say to you, don't wait. If you have the desire to have a child then go for it. I hope you'll never have problems like I do so I say it's best to start young just in case there are problems. I know rearing children is the most important thing you'll ever do. 2- a house, I know how it is to want a house. Try Foxbro if you haven't already. 3- YOU ARE HOT! You look soo good. I paused in my weightloss for about a month and a half then started losing again. It is kinda discouraging but you'll start losing again, I promise. Just don't stop working out and eating well. 4- YES a pet. I wanted a dog sooo badly. It really does help with the baby hungry-ness. If you can have a kitty in your home then go for it!! 5- I didn't want to work one bit while I was working. It was quite the blessing when I got laid off. I didn't have the desire to clean or cook when I worked. AH! Working is frustrating, I wish I had some words of advice.. 6- Blake and I lived in Logan and weren't near family and it drove us nuts. So we moved... that is the best thing- move in between the 2 families. Also, invite your family out for FHE or something on the weeks you don't go to their home to see them. I dunno.. these are my thoughts. Sorry soooo LONG. I know how you feel on every level. Wish I could be more of a help to you. Don't worry, things will jump out of the "rut" soon.
#1 I felt the same way. I tried going to school and you know how that turned out. I tried looking for a new job and you know how that turned out as well. I tried looking for a house several times and it never worked because Heavenly Father knew it wasn't the right time. My sister-in-law asked me out of the blue about a year and a half ago, "Do you ever feel like you're supposed to be doing something, but you don't know what it is? That's Heavenly Father telling you to have a baby." About a month later we got pregnant with Sarah and the feeling went away. I can't tell you how great it is to not feel like that anymore! But obviously it's not just up to you, it's up to Jason, too. We should probably have a long talk about this, but that's my opinion.
#6 Anthony's mom lives 45 minutes away. My mom is 7 minutes away. We still see Anthony's mom more because he doesn't like to visit outside his family. Not even friends, usually. He's kind of a home body.
Alright well here is my problem that I am having. I work, full time. for extra money to take stress away from the money life. If I quit working, Jason can support us on his own, but we cant get a house AND have a kid. at least not right now, but I feel like we are supposed to do both! If we got a less expensive house, we probably could, but Jason wants a new house. so either we get a house, or a baby. and Jason wants a house. I wont quit if we get a house, but I am not going to work when I get pregnant. well maybe, I dont know!
Obviously, I don't know anything about marriage or having a child... at least from personal experiences. But with my degree focus, I can certainly explain a lot through research and such. :-) Either way, I can understand those desires to have those things. You have righteous desires, and the Lord will certainly provide them at the time that they are best in your life. Patience is one of the hardest things, but one of the best things to have!! My personal opinion is to work till you have a baby. That way you are able to help with the money now to where y'all won't have any problems later. My parents were married for almost 6 years before I was born (they tried for almost 3 years to get pregnant), and my mom worked the whole time. Her paycheck was what they put into savings, and they lived off my father's paycheck. How blessed they have been because of that! How blessed my brother and I have been because a lot of that savings were able to provide us with money for the things we desired to be a part of and to help pay for our education. You'll be able to do and have everything you want and so much more when the time is right! I know that because I know your husband and through him, I know you. Y'all are AMAZING people!!
Ok, I'm going to do a number comment to keep all my thoughts straight:
1. You leave the sweetest comments on my blog. I wanted to thank all my lurker commenters, but I give you extra thanks for your other comments. I like that we can use blogs to give each other good ideas (because we all need some!).
2. I feel the same way as you do about getting in shape. I don't just want to look good; I want to look awesome! I don't usually worry about what everyone else thinks, but I DO worry about me feeling GREAT about myself (not just good). And it doesn't hurt to feel extra gorgeous in the hubby's eyes either. So, here is my helpful tip. My biggest downfall is sweet stuff. When I really want to get in shape, I don't want to be eating lots of cake, cookies, etc. that will just get in the way of my progress. But I do still like to have my sugar, so I get my sweet fix from apple juice and fruit leather. If you're an apple juice fan, it can seriously take care of your sweet craving, and it really helps me to keep from putting junk food in my mouth. Hopefully that helps a little. My other advice is water, water, water! I know some people aren't water fans, but it can really make a difference. Good luck!
3. I understand what you mean about being a wife. I've been unemployed for 4 months now, and I definitely am aching to have a job, but it has been really nice to be at home. When I was working and in school, nothing ever got done. It's a good feeling to have a house that always looks good, errands that are always done, and meals of the home-cooked variety. If you don't decide to have kids right now, a part-time job might not be a bad idea. If you guys can afford the pay decrease, it's really nice to go to work for half a day, and spend time on house stuff the other half of the day.
4. I don't really have any advice on the family thing, but I know how you feel. You can probably tell from my blog, but I am addicted to my family. I love having them as a consistent part of my life, and I'd go crazy if I didn't get to see them as much as I do.
5. That was a long comment. Hopefully some of it makes sense. Good luck with your decisions!
Comment on your comment... From my experience, we wanted a house but nothing was going right (sound familiar?) and when we decided to have a baby even though we'd be living in an apartment and I would still have to work full time because we felt it was the right thing to do, suddenly we were rewarded for our faith with a house and Anthony getting a job where I could stay home. Obviously I can't guarantee that would happen for you. And I'm not trying to pressure you into having kids. But pray with Jason and fast and go to the temple and decide if it's the right thing for you right now or if you need to wait. Babies are a HUGE decision and it should be something you talk to the Lord about, because it's too big of a choice to make on your own.
I'm stepping off my soap box now.
I know it has been almost a week since you posted this so I hope you see this. I SO know how you feel! I want the house and I'm getting baby hungry, and I feel like nothing is ever done. Eric and I have to cats. They're about 9 months old and they've been a saving grace for Eric and I in several ways. Maybe having a pet would help you fill that need to have something to nurture. I know of a couple cats that need new homes if you're interested.
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