***Positive Pregnancy Post!!!!***

Shocking, I know, but I have a positive thought about pregnancy today that I need to write about while I can articulate it.

**warning, this post gets deep, with religious aspects**

I love my prego belly. MY BELLY. I am not talking about my huge thighs, chunky arms and fat face. I love my belly, though. Here is why.

Growing up you always think about having kids one day, and what they will be like, look like, etc. And as an LDS you know that they are there, somewhere, they already exist and you are ever so curious about them. They are out there. One day they will be with you, but for now they float around somewhere waiting for you. As I watched my belly today, moving, jiggling, pulsing, I realized how much I love that he is here, in me. Before pregnancy your children seem so distant, so far away, and now, he is RIGHT HERE. I can feel him, I can tease him, I know when he sleeps, I know when he moves, he is right here. Sure I wonder what he will look like, but for now, I take comfort in being close to him, having him, knowing exactly where he is, and that he is safe. I hope I have been able to convey to you the intensity of this thought, because it hit me today like a ton of bricks. Early in the pregnancy its not so apparent, little flutters aren't human like, you can't feel little feet, theres not much personality, so before 20 weeks it still didn't seem like my child was there, it was just some embryo dividing and multiplying into what would one day be my child. But now, I just can't say it enough, he is here, I can poke him!!! And I do...

The last couple months I have pondered how it works with their spirits. I have always been under the impression and thoughts that a babys spirit does not enter them until they are born. I had a miscarriage a month before this pregnancy, and to be honest it didn't have too much of an impact on me for this reason. Maybe its because by the time I found out I miscarried, I was already pregnant again, but I think its also because I really did used to think that its just body tissue, cells, etc. It wasn't a person yet, no spirit, nothing to cry over. But now, I question that way of thinking. Because if I lost Henry right now, I would be devastated. I would miss him. I have already thought about his life with us, and I would so deeply mourn and his spirit. We wouldn't use that name again. A lot of things are mysteries, and one day will be answered, but for now I remain curious. The church teaches(at least I think they do) that babies who are lost during pregnancy, the mom will raise them one day in the after life. I just can't wrap my head around that, as some moms have multiple miscarriages, are they really going to have that many kids one day? Does that mean I have a child up there waiting for me? Its all so complex and something I don't think anyone can answer with 100% certainty, but something I will always wonder.

I can say with all these thoughts, that I am beginning to realize the importance of this pregnancy, and am starting to look at it in a less selfish way. Throughout this whole pregnancy, when people ask me if I am excited for him to come, I always answer by saying I am excited, but not ready, I am just not ready for him to come, I need more time etc. I felt since the beginning, that I wasn't emotionally, spiritually ready for him to come, I knew it was time to be pregnant, but you know, you've been following, I've been worried about parenting and how I am going to do it, I was so overwhelmed because I didn't feel ready to be a mom, and I didn't know if I ever would. I can say now, in my 32nd week, I feel ready. Who knows how good I will be, I will make mistakes, but I feel like now I understand the gravity of the situation, and I feel prepared with resources to succeed for my child. Yes I am still frustrated about my body and I will still not like it, but one day, when I lose the weight, get to a body I love again, I will look at the imperfections that have come from pregnancy as battle wounds in bringing my child into a home of love.

geeze this is heavy stuff!!!

P.S.

The thing I hate about going private is my blog doesn't update on your scrolls or blogger, but, I have figured out a way around it, sort of. before I publish a post I will make it public, publish the post, then make it private again(no need for an invite everytime), and that post will show up in your blogger news feed. So if you want to know when I post, you need to ''officially" follow me, not just on a scroll. Its easy, just click FOLLOW next to the search box in the top left hand corner.